jaxfacts

you can't always get what you want

2011-10-18T23:49:00.003-06:00

If what I want is a yellow card
or a tree-swing tree in my front yard
if it's a glass eye or monocle
or a shipwrecked captain's chronicles
if they're hard-to-hide adventure scars
or comprehension of motorcars
or my dentist's slight of hand
or a catholic's reprimands
if it's a cricket's persistent chirp
or a tight new overshirt
if it's Shakespeare's first-owned plume
or my own Ben Kweller tune
If it's a coy pond from Japan
or a check from rich aunt Pam
then what I want is far away
and planning takes up all my day
and if for these my heart does long
then my needing you seems half as strong.

Grad School

2011-08-29T01:05:00.000-06:00

I've just finished my first week in the Political Science Graduate studies classes at the University of Utah. Scary because I am feeling rather pale in comparison to the PhD candidates and elder members of my PoliSci program. I'm in a unique position as a young 21 year old grad student fresh out of my Undergrad program, starting an unpaid internship and living in a brand new city that has a subtle tendency to pressure young adults to "settle and procreate." Never have I been in an environment that caters so impressively to young adults looking for a mate, and so seamless is their agenda, that after only a month or so of being here, I find myself feeling inadequate without the consolation of a date. I am by far the youngest in my graduate program, not to mention the most available. The two other girls I've spoken with, both 23, are married and have been for a year. Not that it's entirely relevant, but I feel that there is some innate connection between high stress positions, ie: fast track to intensive grad school programs, and or jobs, and marriage. It makes sense, but of course is not entirely common, to get married in order to get through all those tough times as a young adult starting a career. I must admit, it would be nice to have a mate to share my stresses with, but what ever happened to the good old fashioned do-it-yourself mentality? This may not indeed be the case, but it seems to me that some young people turn to marriage as a coping mechanism for their increasingly stressful and busy lives. I have yet to decide, however, if this is necessarily a bad thing, because as it is, I would rather enjoy sharing my stresses with another so as to simultaneously decompress and reencourage in each other the confidence it takes to get up and participate in the next stressful day as a young professional.

New True Life: SLC

2011-08-14T01:41:00.000-06:00

To those who read this blog, I don't update nearly as much as I should. But, in case you were wondering, here's where I stand today:

I have been living in Salt Lake City for two weeks now in a place I like to call Hill House, even though the haunts are far more friendly and much less ghostly than the title suggests. I live on Capitol Hill is all, and me thinks it may be the most beautiful place I have lived or will ever live in. This is what I see when I come home at sunset.

Don't it make you just hum with comfort? Ya, me too.

Already, some very interesting things have happened here. I am living with four girls, all of whom are LDS and are extremely sweet and generous in introducing me and letting me into their quirky world atop Salt Lake City. Kayla and I clicked almost immediately, and within two weeks has introduced me to hoards of incredible people, many of whom are gay gentlemen who love to dance and make me laugh a lot. On the first night I arrived, we went to a club called Area 51 and we danced all night (not to mention I was kissed by one of said gay gentlemen, which got me thinking that though kissing is fun, I should probably be a bit more picky about who I let kiss me, namely only boys who like girls). Another benefit of living in this great city is the close proximity to that unusual bubble of boisterous boys and incredible girls, Provo, which not coincidentally is home to my best and life-long friends, sisters Morgan and Jourdan, and my bizarre, bewildering, and ever-entertaining older brother, Jordan. The bubble also includes some new acquaintances, old friends, instant friends, and millions of tiny butterflies that had long been dormant since the last time I crushed really and truly hard on a good, smart guy. These butterflies follow me often during Provo visits as my brother's roommates, Morgan's guy friends, recurring special guests and unknown cuties flood my everyday summer activities at King Henry pool, Utah Lake, Slab Pizza, JDawgs, The Cube, Yogurtland, and any other hotspots we may feel inclined to frequent.

But, fickle as those fluttering butterfly wings are, as am I in answering the question of who I'm crushing on.

I have been making a conscious effort to avoid the temptation of easy-inheritance friendships via friends of long-standing friends, and in doing so, have tried to venture on my own in the city. Last week, I visited the Institute to look for a Fall class schedule and stumbled upon a prized cutie, one fruit-farming Jordan (3rd Jordan in this post already, and apparently the most common name ever, which will complicate things and as will be explained shortly) who, if I was a better flirt and picked up on signals like pauses at car doors perfect for number exchanges, would be texting me some quiet goodnight quip at this very moment. But as it is, I did not know what to do about those sweet gestures like can't-stop-smiling looks, giggles and hints at possible future encounters, and rushed off too quickly to quietly berate myself for rushing off too quickly. Without a doubt, the flirt was on and we both wanted to see each other again, but a missed opportunity was fading in the wind, and without any leads except a first name and a suggestion to take a Wednesday night class, cause that's the one he would take if I would take it, I was led back to the Institute one week later to do something stupid.

I asked the sweetest front desk ladies to see if a "Jordan" had signed up for a Wednesday night class yet (ya, I know I felt like a big creep from the second I asked the question, especially because they did not skip a beat and said, "Oo hunny, as long as we're invited to the wedding!" That's Utah for you...) No such luck, which is what I deserve for trying to make up for my missed open door. Those only happen once in a while, and this door is, apparently, not to be opened by me for the time being. Time will only tell at this point, and I feel foolish for even putting so much thought into this butterfly-inducing fruit-farmer, but when you meet someone you can't stop smiling about, isn't that permission granted to act at least a little freaky? I think so.

My Grandfather Speaks

2011-04-07T13:46:00.000-06:00

Written for my Gramps's 90th birthday: My grandfather speaks slowly and low With a fervor and fire of the warmest glow. "Speaking is praying," he says to me And consecrates each syllable selflessly. To the world, to the warmth of any man he sees, He offers his words with dignity. My grandfather speaks lowly and slow Of stories my heart has heard before. Stories that hold the earth in their midst And capture the essence of timelessness. In that static space between sleep and dream, His words pour o’er my mind like sweet cream. My grandfather speaks slowly and low To a blanketed boy he keeps in-tow. He tells of the world he has just found In the sweetness of baby’s cheeks so round. Though only one will remember this morn, He still whispers the glory of being born. My grandfather speaks lowly and slow As we walk beside the ebb and flow Of oceans vast carving rocks beside: A beauty only He can describe. And on that beach with its mystique, Not even grandfather could find words to speak.

winter

2010-10-24T22:04:00.000-06:00

i miss those
freely throwing passions at each other
i feel their warmth in my house
at my feet when my toes touch a cold tile
a cold time has come
it dampens my skin
and blues its tint
an icelandic twist
of sparkle and fade
Vinter muder
freezes over homes
in between the church and the barn
its early this year

verge

2010-10-11T01:42:00.001-06:00

12:42 and starting to study. trying to motivate oneself is an eternal struggle.

Leon Festinger

2010-08-10T07:57:00.000-06:00

There's no excuse
I had to try
(A half-inflated alibi)
The drink it burns
and gives me rites
much better than your hand could guide
In ink-spill rings
my true demise
like tipping 'tenders with no eyes
A choking glue
glazed over mine;
cast pearly tears among the swine
Like Faustus failed
to understand
life's not enough to be a man.

in the summer

2010-06-06T06:57:00.000-06:00

seven months for future-life

locked

me down in the summer

Tuesday Half-In

2010-05-25T13:32:00.000-06:00

keep this: the light catches skin

when you swivel

wood-stripped porch

2010-05-24T15:25:00.000-06:00

i still smell the smoke that permeated your skin and lingers on my sheets

it was the month of olympic skating: fifteen year old songbirds were singing in my head and i had dreams during the day and recreated them at night

i cried for you after three days of knowing you. my rapid transition from chuckles to tears made me feel like an arctic bear

why is it that the strongest of emotions come all at once and so mixed?

i'm burdened with your memory as if leaving you this morning happened years ago

TODAY YOU WENT TO WAR

yum

2010-04-15T00:42:00.001-06:00

quite possibly my most incredible/controversial late-night recipe so far.

Pasta a L'atun apricot

(Thin pasta with seasoned tuna and sun-dried apricots)

1 cup thin pasta

2 cans tuna (in water)

12-15 small dried apricots

chopped green onion

chopped bell pepper

crumbled feta cheese (blackened pepper)

salt and pepper to taste

2010-01-20T18:32:00.000-07:00

all right. so i've decided to put more direction into this blog, giving it a more easy to follow format and a more lighthearted day-to-day type journal feel. because as much as this is for me to keep my thoughts organized, this is also for your entertainment! so heres to frivolity!

my first order of business in shaping up the blog:

#1 MUSIC:

new music that i can't get out of my head, all of which comes from my brilliant musical connoisseur of a little brother, Andrew

*Vagabond by Greenskeepers, so catchy, and for some reason it makes it a lot cooler that it is in the Grand Theft Auto game (i don't even play video games).

*Help, I'm Alive by Metric, vulnerable lyrics "hard to be soft, tough to be tender." loved this video too

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MiYRgFXYnGc

*On the Vista by Blakroc, powerful combination of two great artists: the black keys and mos def. awesome.

*You Make Me Feel by Milosh, deeply intimate and powerful. the song is about attempting to capture a moment, and he does it beautifully.

*Diplomat's Son by Vampire Weekend, this entire album blew me away. i'm usual optimist in my daily life, but for some reason i was expecting a complete flop from these budding artists. i'm happy to say, i was slapped in the face with an instant classic of an album. this is my favorite song on the album Contra because it features a relaxing ethereal sound with electronic vibrance and a mix-match tempo scheme that keeps me on my toes. "diplomat's son" gave me the feeling of a jamaican beach trip, salsa dancing in barcelona at dawn, and an overall tired excitement of arriving in a far-away land. long paragraph short, i love it.

this is the video for Cousins. really fun! view:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1e0u11rgd9Q

Next up...#2 FRIENDS, #3 FUN

thunder in january

2010-01-20T18:27:00.000-07:00

burn on my tongue

sepia sky like a fun frame put on by zeus's camera

our world is a hobby of the gods

its the rain that brings the grass to ressemble a praying mantis's tuxedo

he's a modern gentleman

the neon colors are a reminder that landscape is changing

the way i feel after recognizing a place i've been before after 10 minutes of being there

junk splayed haphazardly on this land is pretty in pictures

life reaffirmed day after day despite my inability to do anything

i bite my nails in agreement, i don't really matter at all

i make me feel good

2010-01-10T18:09:00.000-07:00

i shake you and tear you up

strip you and turn your insides out

i'll take your essence and dye it to match my kicks

put my skin and nails inside and smooth it out

i look at my creation

i think i shall do something beautiful with it

i look at you, unfamiliar, and tie my masterpiece on

my skin made from your skin is hugging your frame

i am an artist

2009-10-14T01:27:00.000-06:00

Rain is falling hard outside and the time has come for the melancholy of this day to lead me to something drastic: watching twilight in my chic bathrobe and comfort socks and i think how my world is continuous even if its switched tracks with someone else's for a while like a movie i watch or a book i'll read or a song i'll listen to and think of nothing at all.

The Gang Game

2009-10-07T23:30:00.000-06:00

I've decided to put up some examples of past writings that I like and that I think you'll like too...

Here's one called

"The Gang Game"

Our great nation is facing perilous times ahead. We are in an economic recession, our jobs are on the chopping block, money is tight, and people are getting desperate. Tragically, the most desperate are children growing up in poverty-stricken areas. As history has revealed in years past, penury and desperation go hand in hand. Without money, strong parental guidance, or a good education environment, it can be nearly impossible to have a well-rounded and well-adjusted child. Though the future of these children does look bleak, one alternative may bring hope. Gangs! To some this means violence and crime, but for kids with broken homes, a gang of good friends could be just the ticket.

Because gangs are often associated with violence and murders, the nation chooses to ignore the benefits of joining a gang. For example, there is a direct correlation between gang membership and artistic exploration. Are there any hip-hop moguls who haven’t been in gangs? Stars like Ja Rule, 50 Cent, Jay-Z, and Tupac Shakur all found inspiration from their careers as gang-members. A common theme in hip-hop and rap songs is how the artist overcame his or her humble beginnings. In Jay-Z’s smash hit from 2001, “Izzo,” the artist paints a picture of his childhood by singing, “I was raised in the pro-jects, roaches and rats, me under a lamp post, why I got my hand closed? Cracks in my palm… But now I beat those charges like Rocky!” Heartache and hardship are essential to eloquent expression in this aesthetic (and profitable) art form. The main source of income in impoverished areas is drug trafficking and though it isn’t always genial, it is lucrative. Because it is only a minor offense when children under 18 are caught selling drugs, it is an ideal after school job that is only slightly dangerous. When kids sell drugs, they are investing in their futures and with their drug profits, they are open to limitless possibilities.

Many other artists come from the same broken beginning, but being in a gang allowed them to follow their dreams. With the help and camaraderie of fellow gang-members, youth are able to network, make connections with other friends with similar backgrounds, much like a fraternity. In a world where who you know is more important than who you are, gang membership is a lasting bond that links current and former gang members together in business endeavors. For example, if Biggie Smalls was going to run for mayor, he would be able to call on former first-rate lookout and fellow gang member P. Diddy with his campaign rather than untrustworthy outside source. Friendships made in gangs last for a lifetime.

Gang life is essential for healthy exercise. Often, because schools in poorer areas are facing budget cuts, the physical education programs are the first to suffer. This is a huge contributor to our nation’s child obesity problem. But when a child joins a gang, they learn tons of great techniques for staying active and keeping in shape. For example, learning how to shoot helps kids increase hand-eye coordination, playing with opposing gangs increases competition and is like being on a sports team, and running from cops or dangerous situations helps to raise heart rate and burn calories. Have you ever known a gang member to be obese? In fact, being out of shape hinders one’s ability to run from cops, and increases one’s chance of being shot. Fitness and strength are crucial to a member’s gang status. Studies have shown that kids who participate in extra-curricular activities have a higher motivation rate. Being in a gang makes physical exertion into a routine and helps young kids to cultivate skills while having fun and developing fitness (also helpful if they go to prison!).

Many children in impoverished areas are lacking strong parental influence. Often they are being raised by a single parent and more often than not by a single mother, or crack ho in the parlance of the ghetto. Without a father figure, some kids can grow up unbalanced and even face relationship problems later in life. In a gang, there are plenty of great male role models. Instead of a game of catch, a gang father figure could teach his young counterpart how to play “how many bullets are left in his gun?” or “see how many televisions you can fit into a bed of a truck!” With the devoted attention of adult gang members, youths can have a much-needed father figure to emulate.

Gangs are beneficial to its members, especially children. It gives them the time and attention necessary to cultivate specialty skills and self-defense, the people skills and connections necessary to pave a way in the business world, and most of all, a sense of family when they may come from broken homes. Gangs are certainly much cheaper than the alternative, namely fixing inner city schools, helping single mothers, and finding a more effective solution to the drug war than our current ineffective cycle incarceration. Help improve the life of an inner city child; support your local gang!

sleep

2009-06-22T16:29:00.000-06:00

I’m awake

and have been for four days

I run the risk of brilliance

or haunted darkness;

of unearthing a new dimension

or sliding deeper into divine obscurity

I prepare for the first: I feel the matrix

like bubbles floating and bursting under my skin

the pulse punching and pushing my limbs further

it beats faster and harder

you’re alive! you’re awake! you’re alive!

I’m awake! Im awake. im a wake

im a

sleep

Girls That Wipe

2009-05-30T14:54:00.000-06:00

In a heartbreakingly hilarious scene in one of the quirkiest and funniest films of 2007, 2 Days in Paris, darling Julie Delpy on the verge of tears exclaims, “ I read in an article that we (women) use more tissue paper than men because we wipe when we pee.” I laughed at that scene thinking how cute it was that she was so genuinely distraught over a seemingly insignificant detail, and until I began writing a paper on easy recycling, I didn’t realize how unfunny that thought really was. As women who wipe, we use much more paper than our male counterparts. I don’t know the exact number for women in the world, but in my shanty apartment of two girls, we go through nearly 2 rolls a week. With those numbers, I am single-handedly responsible for decimating almost 6 full-grown adult trees per year, not even counting the trees that make my feminine hygiene products. As an environmentally conscious woman, I feel like crying too, Julie Delpy. But for all you ladies out there that wish to be clean, comfortable, and nature-friendly, there is a way out! Companies like Seventh Generation, Natural Value, and Ever-green have made inexpensive, sanitary, and 100% recycled bath tissues and feminine products. If every American household bought recycled paper JUST ONCE instead of the luxurious “virgin-tree” brands, Americans would spare more than 400,000 trees. Sit down with recycled paper so you can stand up for the forests!